I’m watching men’s 500 meter skating in Pyeong Chang 2018 Winter Olympics. The train for years for a 35-second race. Talk about the pressure! the American twitched at the starting line for a false start, one do-over. The Columbian ate shit within 3 steps of the starting line but got back up to finish the race, obviously never going to place. How awful! To put so much time and effort into something and just blow it all in seconds, to only have seconds to validate years of training. I mean sure, it’s a journey not the destination but come on. Those athletes certainly aren’t going to take comfort in that when they have to wait another 4 years to win big.
Men’s skating led to some self-reflection. I put that much pressure on myself daily. There are literally no stakes; I could live in a van down by a river until I rot so long as there were wifi in walking distance. A hut on a Cambodian river is fine but I’d prefer not to deal with visa stuff and mosquitos. But I’ve created my own stakes that are so incredibly high, to me, in my mind, that I will never reach them.
What are those stakes? Ok.
I have one life to live. Just one. I’ve been afforded so many exceptional opportunities (#whiteprivilege #firstworldproblems) that it would be selfish and irresponsible to waste them. I’ve worked my ass off for a lot of them, don’t get me wrong (#equalpayforequalwork #metoo) but I’ve had some advantages that should not be wasted.
I have the ability, predilection, desire to get weird with life. I can deal with long plane rides (occasional panic attacks aside), new cultures, weird food, getting lost, working on the road, not working, all of it. I can do that. I cannot go to an office 40 hours a week. I can not. So because I can, I need to for the people who can’t.
I feel I owe it to the women before me. I sense they had similar propensities but could not exercise the wildness without more impactful consequences. I have the freedom to be single and not a pariah, travel alone and not be a hobo, and to make decisions for myself without daddy cutting me off because I have, can, and will continue to provide for myself. My Nana didn’t have those opportunities and her life decisions were rooted in the power of the men surrounding her.
Likewise, I feel beholden to others who suffer chronic pain and anxiety. If I manage myself well, I can continue, I can lead my example, or I can offer an escape.
There’s definitely a huge component of needing to lead by example and share my experiences to encourage others. Just by doing it.
Travel Fears
The music teacher at my Thai school befriended me by teaching me nid noi (a little) Thai during every morning assembly. She h
ad the biggest smile and would loop her arm through my elbow and make me repeat wanee (today) until I got it. At the end of the semester, she took me out for pork noodle soup and taught me how to order the kind I longed for all semester – jiaw ga du muu sai cap muu (yellow noodles with pork in the bones with fried pork skins on top, delicious!!!).
On our way back to school, in her semi-broken English, Pi Sara told me that I inspire her to travel. She sees how I don’t know the language very well, even after months, but I’m still there, still trying, not so scared to go. I said, Yes! Yes! Go! Your English is good enough, you can travel anywhere! Don’t be scared! I know my friends with kids at home were lusting over the waterfall pics, beach sunsets, and foreign signs. I feel all of their pressure inside my head and heart. I can so I should.
Some days, it feels like I’ve made it to the Olympic starting line just to fall flat on my face when the gun fires. I’m here, in an awesome city I’ve never been to, and yet I’m on a couch watching the Olympics instead of exploring every nook and cranny from dawn to, well dawn again because you can do that here.
And all that pressure is mine alone. It’s not really external at all; it’s all in my head. Which is good. That means it’s under my control. Today, I have named it and given it shape. I dissected the internal pressures I put on myself. I know who the voices are and where they come from. Tomorrow, I can vanquish them. They silently motivate me but I will pay them less attention, take away their power.
